Hey there everyone. It’s been quite a while since we last talked. A lot of “life” has happened since my last post. Some good and some not-so-good, but for sure, there has been a lot of it!
After putting a few posts on FB over the past couple of months, I have gotten a fair amount of feed back from folks, saying that I need to blog more. The thing is, I don’t feel like I have anything of value to offer right now. Life is tough and at the moment, and I am just surviving (barely).
Over the last 4-5 months, I have unintentionally retreated into a dark corner of myself, reducing activities to the bare minimum…getting up every day, doing what has to be done, crashing into bed in the evening, watching a little TV then and going to sleep. Running, social media, blogging, date night, even church attendance has pretty much ceased. It wasn’t a conscious decision. It just happened. I guess it’s kinda like debt, or weight management. It just kinda sneaks up on a person, without them realizing it. Every day, becoming more and more overwhelmed with the physical pain and the problems of life, I have been giving up things I didn’t have the energy or time for, focusing on just “getting through the day”. Lately, the pain and despair has been as relentless as my desire for forward progress.
I know I have to turn the corner on this thing somehow, and I am resolved to do so. There are at least a few positive things that have begun over the past several weeks that will hopefully help me move in the right direction. For one, I have changed anti-depressant meds and that has made a world of difference. I am much more clear minded now and have the motivation to get up in the mornings. Also, they have finally started weening me off the high doses of opioid pain medication that I have been on since my surgery 17 months ago. One of the side effects of being on this type of pain med for so long is the body builds up a tolerance to it, and the pain can become intensified unless you increase the dosage. I was at a point that I needed to either go up, or start getting off of it and learn to cope with the pain. I chose the latter. That has been really tough, and I still have several months to go, but I already feel mentally clearer as I am coming off of it.
To be sure, I am still in a hard place. There are many days where I still mourn the loss of things I used to take for granted: eating/drinking normally and pain free, sleeping soundly, singing loudly, boundless energy and motivation, even stupid things like whistling or drinking through a straw. There are days, when I doubt I’ll ever regain even a portion of the active life I had before cancer. Thankfully, there are also people around me that refuse to let me wallow in self pity and constantly remind me how far I’ve come since March of last year.
Thanks again to all of you who have been there for me, encouraging me. I am so grateful for all of you. I know the way out of this is through it, and hopefully my story will soon turn back to a positive direction to be an encouragement to others as well.
‘Till next time…
Relentless. Forward. Progress.